Hello Reader,

A days ago, I caught up with two friends I hadn’t seen in almost nine years.

We met years ago at work, in the lactation room. Our babies were around the same age, and between pumping sessions we talked about everything. Sleepless nights, deadlines, marriages, and how we were supposed to do it all. That’s how our friendship started.

It was such a lovely catch-up. But as we shared our updates, I noticed a feeling creeping in. One of my friends now owns properties here and overseas, and the other has the big job title. I sat there thinking that I didn’t have either of those, so I must be the one who’d fallen behind.

I went home a little disappointed in myself, asking what had happened.

When I thought about it, I realised what I’d done. I’d measured my whole life against a small glimpse of theirs, using a definition of success that wasn’t even mine.

Because I had made choices, very deliberately. My husband and I decided to put our kids first, including sending them to university overseas. I never wanted work to eat into my time with them or put strain on my marriage, because I know I’m not at my best at work when things aren’t okay at home. So I said no to things that would have cost me that.

I don’t know every trade-off my friends made to get where they are, and they don’t know all of mine. It was never an apples-to-apples comparison.

I also realised that every part of the life I chose came with something scary attached. I had to ask for the work schedule I needed, sometimes from bosses who didn’t understand why. I had to leave a comfortable role when my salary was no longer enough for our young family. And after a restructuring, I said yes to a training role because it was the only option left, even though I was terrified of standing in front of a room.

That role is where I discovered I love facilitating. More than 1,000 hours of workshops later, it’s the part of my work I enjoy most, and those moves helped us put both our kids through university in the UK.

Looking back, one skill runs through all of it. It isn’t confidence in the way people usually mean it. I’m still an introvert, and I still get nervous before I stand up in front of a room. It’s the ability to feel the fear and stay calm enough to think clearly and act anyway.

So here are two things for you to think about this week:

1. Whose definition of success are you measuring yourself against, yours or someone else’s?
2. Write down one to three things success means to you right now. Skip the big words and think about what it looks like in your actual day. For me, it’s doing work I enjoy and I’m good at, that helps people and pays well enough to give my family a good life, while leaving time to travel with my kids and family, look after my health and do my own things.

Our definitions change as our seasons of life change, and that’s okay. It’s just worth checking in now and then.

And if there’s something at work you want, but fear and doubt keep holding you back, I’d love you to join me for Do It Scared. That might be a presentation coming up, a difficult conversation with your boss or a role you’re after.

It’s a 90-minute live workshop on Tuesday 17 November, from 8 to 9.30pm Singapore time. I’ll share the five techniques I still use whenever fear and doubt show up, and we’ll practise my favourite one together. The replay is included if you can’t make it live.

The launch price is USD47, and it includes a free 1:1 with me. Doors close at 6pm SGT on 17 November.

​[Save my seat]​

Sharon

P.S. Not sure if it’s right for you? Hit reply and tell me what’s holding you back at work. I’ll let you know honestly whether the workshop will help.